Monday, May 28, 2012

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Captain Kronos:  Vampire Hunter - 1 out of 5

Vampire hunter?  More like vampire...um...what's synonymous with "boring" and rhymes with "hunter?" 

Captain Kronos:  Vampire Hunter is a 1974 film about a expert swordsman (according to all online synopsizes) who--you guessed it, hunts vampires.  The film follows the hunter and his hunchbacked assistant who arrives in a small village that is under attack.  Young women are having their youth taken from them by the unholy beasts of the night...or, in this case, the day because these aren't your Hollywood vampires in classy capes and pale faces.  No, these vampires are your really old school types that existed in myths before Bram Stoker came along.  These vampires aren't out for blood and don't suck on the necks, they are out for the youth in order to keep themselves young and pretty.  So, these vamps can move around in the daylight...and thankfully, DON'T sparkle in the sun.

Meet Captain Kronos...at least he has great hair.

With all these young girls growing old from the devil's kiss from the vamps, it's up to Kronos to stop them and find out where the vamps are coming from.  What follows is...well...just boring.  Reading the forums on IMDb.com, it seems this movie has a cult following and some people really dig the adventure of Kronos in this film but I was bored silly.  This would be the part where those who post on IMDb say I don't know anything about what it takes to make a good story and that I need explosions to be entertained but that's not really the case.

Is that a young Tom Waits?

Why didn't this movie work for me?  Several reasons.  Number one being the film does very little to make the vampires threatening.  For a majority of the film, in order to keep the mystery of who the vamps are, you only see the vamps from behind and they are always wearing dark cloaks to conceal their identities.  Okay, that's fine but there's was nothing threatening about them as you never actually see a true attack on one of the young girls, it's all hinted to.  That's fine too because some movies create drama that way but when the attacks have no lead up to build tension, these scenes come off as sloppy and silly.

I'm pretty sure that man's face is made of Silly Putty.

Next, the film moves along at a snail's pace with no real character development.  The only thing we really learn about Kronos (other than a small, post-coital pillow talk with a girl he saves early in the film that offers a small glimpse of backstory) is what we read on the film's synopsis.  We learn he's this great swordsman but you never really see it...until the final moments of the film where the supposed "epic battle" comes raging on the screen.  And by "raging on the screen," I mean lackadaisically wanders onto set and by "epic battle," I mean two dudes who don't look very comfortable holding swords flopping around who seem that, at any second, are going to drop the swords and begin a slapping fight.

And this is Kronos' hunchback assistant...I have no joke to accompany this caption.

The only thing I found comforting about Captain Kronos:  Vampire Hunter is that the movie proves that bad films about vampires isn't a new thing and we can stop blaming Stephanie Myers for destroying the genre.  This movie proves that vampire fiction has (preemptive apology for the unintentional pun) always sucked.  Stephanie Myers just took a weak genre and made it sparkle.

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